Dear Abby: Soulemates

In one corner we have Whitney- the 29-year old fertility nurse from Chicago who’s laid all her cards out already.
And in the other, we have Becca- the 25- year old
Chiropractic Assistant from San Diego,
who’s never been in love.

Meeting the Parents

Whitney arrives to meet the Soules Clan,
and boy does she know how to win over a family.
If there is a book somewhere on how to win the bachelor, Whitney read it cover-to-cover.
Seriously, the girl deserves a ribbon.

The entire family falls for Whitney’s charm,
making it quite clear that poor virgin Becca
does not stand a chance.

After she leaves, Chris sits in the garage with the men
and very un-eloquently tells them all the reasons
that he is still fighting for Becca.

His brother-in-law pipes in suggesting that maybe
he is attracted to the chase more than the girl.
He took the words right out of my mouth.

Becca’s turn

Next up, Becca joins the clan. She is refreshingly honest,
telling the family that as much as she truly does like him,
she isn’t ready to throw the word “love” out there.

When asked about her initial thoughts about Arlington,
Becca cracks a joke about how if she moved to Iowa she’d probably tell her family to write her letters instead of texting her,
that way she’d have an excuse to go “downtown”
and check the mail. Everyone laughs hysterically,
and at this moment Becca has won me over.

Later, we see Chris visit Becca in her hotel room (never good),
where they have a very honest conversation about whether or not
she is willing to put herself out there and risk moving to Arlington.
Her answer…..basically, no.

And can a girl blame her? She’s known the man for SIX WEEKS.
Yes, that is it. We’ve been watching for months,
but filming does in-deed only last about 6 weeks from start to finish.

So, would you pick up and move to a farm in the middle
of nowhere after knowing someone for 42 days?
I think not.

The Final Rose Ceremony

As usual, Neil Lane himself shows up at Chris’s door to personally help him
select a huge rock for his future bride-to-be.
But let’s be honest, Chris doesn’t even know who he’s going to pick yet
so he’s basically just shooting blind here.

As one final reminder that we are in Iowa,
and Chris is a farmer and the winner will be a farmer’s wife,
the final rose ceremony is taking place in Chris’s family’s barn.

The first limo pulls up, and shocker, Becca steps out.
Come on producers, you gotta mix it up for us,
make him propose to the first woman.
It’s getting predictable; we need some mystery in our bachelor lives!

So to no surprise, Chris gives Becca the
“I really like you, but you’re just not ready,” speech.
Becca replies with an expression like “ehh fair enough.”

And for the first time in bachelor history, the runner up sits in the limo without shedding a single tear. #attagirl

Whitney steps out of the second limo (the winners limo)
shaking so hard you’d think she was about to give a
presidential speech, which Chris Harrison so kindly points out to her-
“you’re shaking like a leaf!”

To no surprise, Prince Farmington gets down on one knee
and whips out a gigantic Neil Lane diamond ring
and slides it on Whitney’s finger, who exclaims
“I’m the luckiest woman in the world!”
I don’t know if I’d go that far, but OK.

And then they kiss and canoodle on the edge of the 2^nd floor of the barn, gazing out at their future together…. plowing corn.

After the Final Rose
Now for the best part.
Chris sits down with the happy couple in an attempt
to get some juicy details out of two very boring people.
No luck.

Whitney proudly states that she isn’t watching any parts of the show except for her own dates (smart girl!)

But…desperate to stir something up, Harrison probes harder,
“So you’re not worried about how conflicted Chris’s decision was?”
“Nope!” chirps Whitney.

When all else fails, bring out the comedian

Harrison is out of jokes so production brings out
Jimmy Kimmel to spice things up a bit.

He sits himself between the happy couple and makes several inappropriate comments, including his assessment
of how Farmer Chris made his final decision:
“Bottom line is Becca wasn’t in to you.”

And at that, Whitney feels about 2 inches tall.
We gotta hand it to her though; she keeps that politician smile
and laughs like she thinks he’s the funniest man on earth.

He softens the blow by presenting them with an engagement gift-
a cow named Juan Pablo.
And that is why America loves Jimmy Kimmel.

The Big Announcement

As we approach the end of the 60-minute time slot,
producers are in a sticky situation in which they need to fill the last
7 minutes with something worthy of the phrase
“The Most Dramatic Announcement Ever!”
But what will it be?

Oh ya know, just that this summer they are going
to have not ~~one~~, but two bachelorettes.
Because that’s not misogynistic at all.

Rather than let the women have their turn,
we will leave it in the hands of twenty-five men to decide
which woman is worthy of being Season 11’s Bachelorette.
I am not amused ABC.

Don’t get me wrong, I love both girls, but I’d much rather
see one of them be season 11’s, and the other season 12’s.
Producers- Be like the rest of America and flip a coin if you can’t decide on something, gee whiz.